Monday, June 24, 2013

oh motherhood

2 Months and 3 weeks.....

When you break it down like that it feels like such a short time that I have been a mom. But when you are living it out day to day, it feels like forever, like I have always had this little girl in my arms and in my heart.
She brings me so much joy and happiness everyday but also a new case of worries and a protectiveness that I have never felt before. That phrase "mama bear" really does apply to me, in a "if any one even thinks about hurting her, they wont want to know what is going to happen to them" I feel like the mob some days "don't mess with my family" !

We have been dealing with a milk allergy (which was just diagnosed 4 days ago but she has had for 2 months) and also acid reflux. Those combined, equal horrible feedings 7 times a day.  She has had many weird symptoms that should have led to us (and by us I mean the doc) to this conclusion months ago, but when you are watching your little one scream and arch their back and turn red at every feeding you know something is just not right and sent me looking for a new pediatrician. We are now on a non cow milk formula, with the protein already broken down to help her tummy, I thought formula was expensive 4 days ago now I KNOW it is, our little can cost us 8 dollars more and we get less... but no matter what the cost I am so thankful we are on the right road now and hopefully in a few days or weeks I will have a happy little  (almost) 3 month old who enjoys eating !

Some days motherhood is easy, those are the days she does great on her schedule, sleeps through the night, good naps and happy play times (I feel like super mom soaring high, high fiving myself for hard work paid off) other days are hard, and feel like a huge failure and that nothing I am doing is working, I cant remember if I  have washed my hair in the last couple days, or drank 3 cups of coffee and still feel tired and huge I mean HUGE dark circles under my eyes. But its on those days at our last feeding of the night about 10:45pm that I sneak into her room and turn on the dimmer light to low, and I look at her sleeping in her big crib.  Her cute little nose, and  cubby cheeks and  her blond eyelashes that cast a shadow over her face, that I remember "this is perfect, this is messy motherhood that is constantly changing and challenging, and I choose this and I wouldn't change or trade it for a full nights sleep, or an easy run to the store alone. I do not want to go back to the way it was before, that even in the most difficult day or night we may have, she is my little mini me, and she giggles at me and looks at me like I am her world. And I know that she is getting bigger and going to discover everything around her and I get to teach her and help her become this amazing person"  And my heart is happy and full as I pick her up and kiss her little ducky lips . What an amazing journey this "motherhood" thing is!

I cant put a post up without posting too many pictures of the cutest baby around:

                                                       My big girl, learning to hold her head up

 Reagans big day. She got dedicated
 My 3 best friends. On a run in downtown Portland
 Reagan watching Uncle Jeff Play College Baseball
 Celebrating our first Fathers day!!!
 My beautiful sister and I at Reagans dedication
 Love her!!
 Loving the outdoors
 My 80's baby!!!
11 pounds of cuteness right here!!
Dear Reagan.
you have been on the outside for almost 12 weeks, you have grown 4 pounds,  and a couple inches, you have enriched my life everyday thus far. I know life with you will be filled with lots of happiness and excitement.
 I am so thankful for you and your beautiful smile and big blue eyes. your daddy and I love you so much! We take WAY too many pictures and videos of you, and post it all over social media and send them to our family and friends (bless their hearts) we think you are pretty awesome and the best baby around!!! you learned how to giggle at week 10 1/2 its the best ever!! You love to sit up like a big girl and grunt and talk and eat both fits at the same time!!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Three weeks with my baby

As we embark on week three with our little baby Roo (like a kangaroo she folds herself in half every chance she gets, legs cross cross apple sauce on her belly!! ) I am grateful for a healthy, happy, smiley baby ! She is just perfect for us and I couldn't imagine my life with out her! But let's chat about breast feeding!!!!
You go in with no worries with no little voice saying you will fail at it because its natural , your body knows what to do and produce and woman since the beginning of time have been feeding their babies this way! But then you have a baby who is loosing weight and won't sleep and is constant rooting trying to find more milk, and all the "it comes naturally" goes out the window and panic sets in. So we went to a lactation specialist actually 3 times now to help and between her back sucking habits and lazy eating (like a lot of newborns) my milk supply is low, too low!! She is getting about half of a feeding to as little as a quarter of feeding from me and we are having to supplement formula for the rest! It's heart breaking to realize that something that is so wonderful and natural and FREE (let's face it formula so soooo expensive like there goes her college fund expensive ) is something I can't give her! I am on the 2 all natural herbs that have helped a little in my milk supply but not enough and now have gone on a prescription to see if that will help and so far it's not! So it has left me with this... She will get as much as I can pump and the rest from formula until I my milk is gone. Sitting in the lactation room hearing that after 15 min of breast feeding she got 3 measly ML and that all the stuff I am doing and trying is not paying off leads a very tired mom to tears.
I have never been a mom so when I say this please keep that in perspective and I know in the long run this will be a small issue but right now it's not a small issue and is sad and depressing and a huge disappointment for me. I always imagined breast feeding and bonding that way with my daughter and that small dream is fading . And at 4 in the morning pumping is not appealing when you are hardly making anything . :( and then my amazing and rock solid husband steps in and comforts me and helps.

On a lighter happier side I have the cutest kid ever and am so in love with her and we will be posting "what we wore" coming up on the blog, she got some pretty cute clothes !
Happy Tuesday

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Reagan Paisley.

A birth Story.

For 39 weeks and 3 days I got the privilege of housing this special little girl in my belly. It was not always easy, not always fun, actually the last few weeks were down right miserable. between the false labor, extreme pressure, feeling like a hunch back with so much pain I could barley stand up, to wondering "is this the day?"
But on Thursday April 4th, Husband and I went on our nightly walk (let me fill you in on our routine....I would walk 2- 2 1/2 miles every morning and then as soon as the husband walked in I would make ask him to walk again... this time 3 to 3 1/2 miles so lets just say I was walking a lot, I was determined to help this baby out. I put in some 90+ miles this last month ) This time we were walking at a snails pace and that's when it happened i  started to pee my pants then I though well maybe my water broke?! the ultimate question for someone who has never experienced water breaking before. The husband and I laughed and continued on, it wasn't like a gush or entire body of water coming out just enough to notice and be totally weirded out and chalk it up to another "Joy" of pregnancy - urination. We came home i felt some false contractions and felt a little funny but nothing worth noting at the time.
The night my water broke we ran into my dad and snapped this picture!

 Friday Morning came... I went and served coffee at the shop, then headed up to target to waste time before my yet, one more growth ultrasound for baby love. While waiting in line to pay, the same thing happened on Thursday night, I stood there with wet pants, not sure what to I leave my purchases on the conveyor belt? do I just stand there and wait? do i tell the 20 something man who is ringing up the lady in front of me to "hurry up my water broke or i peed my pants and need to check" ??? I mean what in the world is a girl to do....thank goodness it was not a "CLEAN UP ON ISLE 3" situation but still standing in line with wet pants...not cool, not cool. I ultimately decided to wait, i mean i had cute gladiator sandals and a dress for baby, and some much needed makeup I was not going to leave behind. I stayed calm and cool and just kindly asked the very slow checker (prob not slow but i was freaking out) to leave the hangers on . I ran to the car threw the stuff in, decided I cant wear wet pants and went into Nordstrom rack (ya I know!!!! I was freaking out remember) grabbed a maxi dress, paid, left, changed in the car, where i preceded to have more gushing....I text my husband as i turned the air conditioner up to full blast.
"Either I peed my pants pretty good in target or my water so weird"

My maxi dress purchase , going to the hospital!!!

I ended up heading to my midwife apt early and got checked and sure enough I heard "your water broke" I began to cry with relief 1. that its finally time and 2 that i didn't pee my pants in target!!!
because my water did break Thursday night they sent me straight over to labor and delivery,
(but let me have an hour to run home and grab my stuff and head back) where husband meet me and my sister and we walked the halls for a few hours to help start my irregular contractions. After trying to have my body start labor on its own after 4 hours ish they wanted to start me on pitocin to help get my body going. Then we walked and walked and the contractions came and got stronger, we switched to the birthing ball, my family started to arrive and the husbands parents made it from Ontario !! my contractions really kicked in and started to be every Minute and no rest for the weary set in. They checked to see my progress and that was the saddest moment, I came in at 12:30 at 2cm and now at 9pm on pitocin and contracting every min i was only at a 3!!!!!! devastated and worn out from no breaks between contractions i asked for some meds, they gave me some and I finally had a rest that was about 5 min then one more then we were back to every min. :( i asked to be checked again, and when the the nurse says "are you sure you want to know?!" you know that's a bad sign....i was only at 4cm...and if I was going to continue to do it natural I could only have one more shot of that med. it was 10:30pm almost 12 hours of being in there I couldn't take it anymore and asked for my epidural. i was a little sad that my plan to do it naturally went out the window, but I was so tired i don't think i could have pushed her out later on the next morning had I not chosen the epidural. Everything went great with that and 10 mins later i looked up and smiled at my husband and started talking again (that's how everyone knew I was feeling good) we slept on and off from about midnight to 4 am Saturday morning. Feeling a lot of pressure, they checked me and I was at an 8!!! we were almost 24 hours into this (more if you count my pre labor at home Thursday night) i wasn't freaked out anymore i was ready to meet this little girl, I had this moment in the room where the husband was dozed off for only 30min and i was alone and i just thought about what was about to happen and i was ready, I knew that all my prayers had been heard and that a mirical was about to take place. A peace that i have never known came over me.
At 6am they started to transform the room into delivery mode,  andbhad me do a few practice pushes. My midwife was not scheduled to work until 7am but I knew i wouldn't make it to see her, this baby was coming and i was okay with the midwife I had there. I pushed on and off for about 10 min and as I was resting I heard the curtain fly open and i open my eyes and my midwife Lauren came flying in the room, throwing her hair in a pony tail getting her gloves on and saying "I am here!! lets do this" it was a moment that is ingrained my brain and I was so happy to have her. t(he back story is the midwife that was working had Text Lauren letting her know there were 4 delivering moms and that she would love this one mom who would deliver last, that I was sweet and nice and cute. Lauren just said she knew it was me and left for work early to get to deliver my baby)

At 7:14 I gave birth to my beautiful Reagan Paisley weighing in at 6'11 ounces 19 3/4 inches long with lots of hair. The entire birth story is amazing, the husband and i just talked about how even though it was painful and crazy moments of unknown it was exactly what we wanted and loved it and totally would do it again!

She is the daughter I never knew that I always wanted. She is my daughter, my baby love, my little family. Watching Thomas hold his daughter has showed me more love and i have fallen more in love with him then ever, he is an amazing dad and loves her so much.
We are learning our routine and figuring out feedings and sleeping and bonding and loving every second. Even when i get 2 hours of sleep I see her sweet cheeks and it doesn't matter any more. This time we never get back, its such a short time, and i know I will blink and she will be older and i will be missing these days, so I am soaking it all in, smelling her perfect smell, her baby blue eyes, her little feet, her long fingers, her smiles, her pouting faces, coos and cries.....loving EVERY minute of it.

 My girl crew
 Doc Lauren!!
 Melts my heart
My baby sister seeing her niece.
First headband (of many to come) made by Auntie Nollie
 First Family picture

They have my entire heart!

My life will never be the same, and everyday I am so grateful that the Lord gave me the opportunity to be her mom and to be his wife. The love and out pour from our family and friends has been so amazing and overwhelmingly awesome.
Thank you for sitting through this very long post and me gushing over my baby. . . my crazy awesome to say!


Thursday, February 28, 2013

A Birthday Post. . . a few days late

28 and counting

Growing up is not an easy thing I feel like a real adult at times (other times still 16 and crazy, although i was never truly crazy, because i am a control freak) This year has brought so many changes and new adventures into my life that at times i feel overwhelmed and at other times so calm and ready for the next stage to happen. Its weird how that can happen.

Friday at my last doctor apt, the babe was measuring a wee small, only about 31.5 cm instead of 33.5cm so they scheduled me in for a growth ultrasound yesterday. So i had all weekend to stress and worry that something was wrong with my little girl, and my mind going all the way to "they will take her out way to early" But Monday was amazing, we went in a little nervous as to what we would see or find out, the future of our babe in the result of the ultrasound but ultimately in the hands of the Lord. As we got her little body on the screen, we saw feet, and legs and a little tummy and then we had to work to see her cute little face because like her father she is stubborn (he would argue that i am the stubborn one....but its my birthday week, so I win) but when her face came on the screen and I saw these big little cheeks and these lips and eyes and noes, my heart melted a little more then i thought possible. My love grew because i was seeing a glimpse into my future with a cute little girl with pig tails and big cheeks running around in the back yard with the hound dog, playing catch with her daddy, learning new things everyday and i knew that's what i have always wanted. Even on days when I am completely freaking out and overwhelmed I know that its right, its what I have dreamed about and wanted. Even when i am freaking out and doubting her name that we picked out and love, I am hopping that its just a pregnancy freak out moment like the other ones i have gotten.

we are just 19 days away from full term and only 39 days from the due date. Wow its so close but feels so far away at the same time. we completed our delivery class, we have our carseat, we are pretty close and ready.

 Here are some pictures from the amazing baby shower my sister, mom and one of my best friends threw for me this past weekend.

It was so awesome spending time with my family and opening wonderful gifts for the baby girl!

Here is a picture from 5  weeks pregnant

And here is 34 weeks
holy swollen body batman....
Here is to year 28 , where i become a mom, I get to watch my sweet husband become a father, i get to see my mom and dad become amazing grandparents and to all the memories I get to make with this little girl who has my heart and will be my greatest adventure. who will be the best addition to us. i am truly looking forward to this year!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Random Monday

30 Weeks and ......

At some point in the last few weeks I have entered into my 3rd trimester (thank goodness this is the last one) I have lost the ability to run and if you know me, you know this is the biggest bummer and pretty much flat out torture for me. My belly button is almost completely an outty, my feet have started to swell by the end of the night and putting my shoes on WOW its uncomfortable and hard. I always thought," you know I wont be that pregnant girl who cant put her shoes on" but it snuck up on me and happened. Darn pregnancy, didn't even give me a choice. My Braxton hicks are stronger then ever and coming more often, I have been ordered by the husband and friends to take it slow and say no to things, which, lets face it I am not good at. Again THANK YOU pregnancy for not asking me what I want! 

BUT along with the negatives, there are positives that out way them, like : She moves all the time now, my belly looks like an alien is living in there,she barrel rolls around and is kicking and hitting at the same time which can hurt but is truly remarkable. Her hick ups are more frequent now and that's a reminder to me that her little lungs are learning to work, and she is practicing her swallowing. when we talk to her she reacts and responds. She loves when her daddy does the Dorie voice off finding nemo when she is talking "Whale" he says "RAYYY RAYYYYYY" and she kicks him. she can always find him and lays directly under where his head or hand is on my belly, those are the moments that bring tears to my eyes that the love we are created with can flow through a womb and that we can love someone so much that we have never met or seen!
 We are entering into our appointments every 2 weeks now and getting asked questions I don't know the answers to, like birth stuff and sometimes i think "If i just don't think about it, labor wont come" ha ha right I know!

A few of my pregnant friends have started to have their babies and it reminds me of how close I truly am to being a mom and having my life forever changed.

                                                                           28 Weeks

                                                                         29 Weeks

                                                             R is for Reagan at starbucks

                                                                           28 weeks

                                           29 weeks= baby is the size of a Butternut Squash

                                                  The handsome husband and I at a wedding

                                                          My favorite picture so far!

Baby Reagan-
My sweet little girl, we only have about 10 weeks until we meet you. Its both exciting and terrifying at the same time. Your daddy and I cant wait to live life with you and love you, teach you, and watch you grow into a beautiful woman of God. Keep getting stronger in their and grow little Reagan (no middle name yet ) grow! Maybe one day we will tell you the story of how me and dad could not agree on a middle name for our sweet girl! Don't worry I think you will have a middle name by the time you are born
love forever and always,
your mamma.
Happy Monday everyone! Just think if you are tired of belly pictures you only have about 10 more weeks then you will get baby pictures on here ;) and hopefully better outfits too!

Friday, January 4, 2013

A little babymoon

Blogging from the beautiful snowy mountains today! With the husband having a break in between his old and new job and me being on Christmas break we got to book a little get away. It's been filled with: relaxing, cuddling, snowy walks, watching countless hours of Netflix, eating way too much snack food, and an amazing prenatal/ couples massage!
This week has brought on a few new pregnancy symptoms. One I have grown so much just in a week, to the point I walk by a mirror or window and don't recognize the person I'm staring at! And my Clothes all a little snugger then last week.
second the exhaustion is back I feel tired all the time! running scratch that walking is work!!!
third my heart burn is fierce these days! Tums by my bed, in my purse, in the car pretty much I can't leave home with out some at my disposal!
Forth she is moving like crazy and her space is getting smaller so those once little kicks are now big and you can now see my stomach move with her and its starting to hurt but still the most amazing feeling in the world. My 3rd trimester begins next week, just the craziest thing that I am only 13 weeks away from meeting her and kissing her little noes and cheeks!

Baby Reagan,
I can't wait to meet you, as much as I want to be done being pregnant and have you out, I need you to stay in for awhile longer! Your daddy and I can't wait to start new routines and traditions with you and show you your house and hound dog and can't wait to love you! You love when your dad talks to you, you move like crazy when the music is on and you love love love spicy food!! Thanks for being so fun already!
Love , your mommy!